Week of July 24th, 2002

As an attempt to add some more adult activities into our life, Scott and I rented our second video since The Birth on Saturday. We picked something safe, Ocean's 11. The nice thing about being out of the loop for a year is we can find movies we haven't seen, and they're now in the old section! Unfortunately, Ocean's 11 had me so anxious that I ended up reading through the 2nd half, looking up periodically to see what was happening. I often wish I had prescreeners who could warn me me if something bad will be happening (who will end up getting caught or dying etc.). I'm so lame. We were pretty spent by the time we put in the movie, so it was anticlimactic. Trying to look after Owen while he was sick, and cope with our powerlessness to do much for him, made it was the weekend that wasn't. At least we didn't have any social obligations so it was easy to make it low key.

We did get some cooking done, trying two new things. One was from a children's cookbook that we really like (Turkey Meatballs in a Roasted Red Pepper Sauce from Annabel Karmel's "First Meals"). The other was from a Vegetarian cookbook we've been enjoying (Enchiladas with Roasted Red Pepper, Spinach and Corn in Jeanne Lemlin's "Simple Vegetarian Pleasures"). Both recipes turned out really well, though Owen wasn't able to enjoy either one until later in the week when his appetite returned. He's actually a very versatile little guy, and we're able to get him to eat a varied and (mostly) healthful diet.

Owen is back to himself, running around the apartment and playing with his things. His balls are still a favorite, though he rotates through his other toys as well. With the weather at its best in the early morning, we're often walking in town before and after coffee etc. at Rao's. Although I didn't picture myself as an early bird, I've been enjoying getting a jump on the day. I'm sure I'll feel differently about the early hours when the weather gets sour, and it's dark as coal outside, for now it's awfully nice to be outside enjoying a respite from the heat when the world is still slow and empty around us.

Living in the moment still feels strange. I always suspected the hardest part of meditation would be getting your inner voices to shut down and let you just Be. Having a child, you must live in the moment and attend to what is in front of you. Sometimes, when Owen is occupied with a toy, I find myself opening a magazine to keep my mind busy and engaged, and I'm filled with guilt when I do this. Shouldn't I be absorbing every possible moment with my son? Be available for the moments when he wants to interact, maybe he'll see me distracted and not even make the effort to catch my eye? But I find it hard to just let myself exist, with my mind focused only on Owen, only on my sitting nearby, being available to him. My mind is so hard to shut down, I find it so hard just to BE. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything, and I'm lonely because I have no one to converse with.

And yet in front of me is the reason I'm there -- Owen needs me. To be his guide to the world and to be his playmate, how can I not be consumed by that role? It's the most important job I've ever had, and I pine for him when I'm at work. Being with Owen is absolutely wonderful, but at times, it's a huge effort to put myself into a slow paced existence where the rewards are intangible and the interactions too slow to stop my thoughts. I have to stop them myself, and it's a hard thing to do. In some ways, I think that's why Scott and I enjoy our time as a threesome, it's easier to just hang out when Owen is ignoring us. With two of us keeping an eye out, we can be very attentive to Owen while also spending time as adults together. And when we need a break from chidcare, there's always another chore waiting to be done...

 

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