Week of November 27, 2002
We had a scary moment this week. Scott was watching the weather channel when Owen came over and grabbed the remote control that runs the VCR out of the pile of 4 remotes we have tucked to the side on a table. He hit "Play" and started up the Thomas the Tank Engine video, then proceeded to fast forward through the commercial logos to the point where the first story begins, stopped the tape there and then put the remote down and settled in to watch.
When did he learn this?
Is the same child who hasn't figured out to work a pull toy or how to really use a spoon?
We have mixed feelings about TV, and compromise by allowing Thomas in the wee hours of the morning, and occasionally when Owen is really sick and sprawled in the living room. Otherwise, we'd rather he enjoy his toys and his books and us. One of us is usually down on the floor with him, available if he wants to be read to or played with. We figure Thomas first thing in the morning is a pretty tame experience, and commercial free, and he's getting a good dose of real life to compensate for his down time with the television. We watch it with him, while one of us gets dressed or works on some of the chores that get us out of the house
Left to our own devices, Scott and I would have the TV on in the background all the time. It was an effort to keep it off around Owen, and we've done pretty well I think. We watch two shows a week with any regularity (on tape, after Owen's in bed), and we occasionally rent a video. This was an adjustment from TV's constant companionship, and to be honest, I miss it a little. But I was addicted to television when I was younger, and enjoyed it for more hours than I should have (even if I WAS reading through most of it). I don't want to eliminate it from our lives, but I want to keep it as a conscience indulgence, like sweets. Will see how reality measures up to my wistful fantasies, but I'd like to keep some form of control over consumption. There are so many electronic indulgences to be had, I think we have to carve out room for creativity and fantasy and plain old fun. I want books and games and exploring the world to come first, ahead of TV and the computer, and all the electronic excitements that come with the modern age. They're heady, and it's hard for other things to compete with them without some help from us.
Given our love of electronic stuff, is Owen doomed to be a nerd, or will he go the opposite way and be a soccer player? Will he love Japanese minimalist design to compensate for our clutter and over-full household? How much will our habits influence him, and will it be for good or for bad? We all have a list of things that we want to compensate for from our childhood - avoiding what we hated, recreating what we loved. And I'm sure Owen will have a completely different set of good and bad that what Scott and I have, and it will match only slightly to what we expect him to have. I just hope he realizes how completely Scott and I love him, and how besotted we find ourselves with every aspect of his life. Scott and I are fit now only for one another's company, because for both of us, Owen is the center of all that really matters.
That said, we know we have to have fuller lives if we want Owen to be persuaded that we're normal, healthy human beings. Some adult contact is required. Some healthy interests must be nurtured. For a long time, Scott and I barely had time to breathe, so the idea of a fuller life was just a nice idea that we couldn't have acted on if we wanted to. Our jobs, and our important friendships and family, consumed what little attention we had to give after caring for Owen. But now that we a bit more space, we're able to nurture our relationship a bit more, and consider our lives in a bigger context. I'm not sure we yet have enough time to act on it, we can at least consider it!
Do all parents of young children hunker down into this survival mode? I never thought parenting young children seemed easy, but I never realized how little room it leaves you for the art of living, apart from caring for your child. I feel evicted from my former life, but without a new home to rest in now.
Non-parents have moved away from us on the bench. Or perhaps I feel distanced simply because basic care for our dependent consumes most of our time and most of our energy. It's not all that exciting to non-parents (or really, to anyone apart from Scott). And our schedule is tough too. By 8:30 p.m., Scott and I are starting to think about bed - logistically, we're on a weird schedule for most of the world. How many people are up by 4:30 or 5 if they don't have to be? And other parents don't necessarily have anything in common with me, so that one shared feature doesn't automatically create a meaningful connection for me either. Outside of my life with Scott and Owen, I don't seem to belong anywhere. I am grateful I have them, and I feel more like I belong in a family than I ever have in my life, apart from when I was very young, with my own parents. Scott and Owen fill with the deepest feelings I've had in my life, they give me profound joy. But it's an adjustment to feel so inwardly directed, living completely in the here and now. It's been a dramatic shift in my life, and I feel bewildered, to feel so happy and fulfilled on one level and so isolated and adrift on another. I yearn for some deep, intimate, adult connection, and yet never have I had less time and energy to spare than I do right now.
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